some will win, some will lose
Something To Hide.
We all have something to hide. Trapped within our souls is something that not even the closest people in our lives know exist. It’s a monster; It’s a depression; It’s an anger; It’s an obsession. It’s what we keep caged to ourselves in order to look somewhat sane in a already insane world. In the darkest parts of our minds rests the problems, disappointments, and sadness consumed within our lives that you wished didn’t exist yet define who you have become.
It’s what masks an aching heart with a smile. It’s what makes us want to be alone when you already feel lonely. It’s what haunts us at the middle of the night questioning everything you thought you understood. It’s what causes you to be numb wondering how many tragedies more you can take before giving up. It’s what makes us feel like we’re not good enough no matter how amazing you may be. In the attempt to not have this darkness within exploited, it will be tucked away as voices in our heads scream for our escape when in reality our mouths will never admit our pain.
We all have something to hide. Something we will never admit to. Something that we never be fully understood by yourself or others. Something we can never be able to explain even if we wanted to share it with the world. It’s the terrifying monster that has found a home in you; that you alone faces.
Why try anymore? I’m not getting anywhere. I’m done trying. I have been trying for almost a year now. People tell me, “wait it gets better.” Well I have been waiting a long time and it’s only getting worse. One of my best friends was getting ready to kill himself. That didn’t help me at all. I ran out of my house at 12 in the morning. I ran 2 miles to meet up with him. I didn’t know what to say when he told me about it. I could only tell my other friend and went to him. I thank God everyday that he didn’t do it. Believe in God or not, I don’t care.I pray every night, every single night, for my friends. I pray for them to be okay. I pray for them to get through it. I pray that they can become happy. I pray that they don’t have theses feelings anymore. They don’t even believe in God. But I will put my faith in anything to try and help them be okay. I prayed for my friend and he doesn’t want to kill himself anymore. I can’t tell you how happy it made me when I didn’t have to worry about that anymore. But that night, when I ran out there, he told me something. Something that really struck home. Because I had been think about killing myself for a long time and even attempted it twice. I still have the good bye letters hidden away. I read them at least once a week. I don’t know why, I just break down when I do. He told me “Life’s a game and if you can’t win, why play?” “The only way out is to not play at all.” I will never forget those words. They haunt me. Cutting is the only thing I could ever do to stop those thoughts. That doesn’t seem to be enough anymore. All I can think of is why try? I only tell two people personal things about me. One more than the other but still, I can’t bring myself to tell them everything. One kinda knows about this but I didn’t really go into detail. I never do. My reasons for this are just, believe it or not. And After everything that has happened to me in high school, from the end of Freshman year to now, I can’t take it anymore. Why? Why should I have to feel this way? I’m not even an adult yet. Why do I feel the way I do? Why can’t all the voices saying “Your not good enough” Your fat” Your Pathetic” Your stupid” “Your nothing”… The list goes on. I have to force myself to go swimming with friends. I can barely stand being next to them with my shirt off. I make fun of my self, we all laugh. I do it because I would rather have them laugh with me because I did something funny rather than have one of them beat me to it. I guess this is just me writing away, getting things off my chest. The thought of death scares the shit out of me. It’s the only thing that has stopped me from doing it. It’s what stopped me from finishing the job on the two attempts at my life. Hopefully In the future I will be able to look back at this fear and thank it for keeping it’s hold on me. Not likely though, because the only feeling I have for it now, is hatred.